Well last week was exciting. I drove to Charleston, SC on Tuesday afternoon for my brother's wedding. Mom and Dad had brought Grandmamma and Grandaddy down a few hours earlier and Justin decided last minute to drive down too! It was great to see him again so soon :) We went out to dinner at Ye Olde Fashioned Ice Cream Shoppe (pronounced shoppey by our family) with Grandma Jan too. Afterwards, we went to see Chris and Sam's new house in James Island, SC. Her mom, grandmother, and uncle were there as well as her friend Katie. It was great seeing everyone and spending time together as a family.
On Wednesday, Justin and I spent the entire morning in bed watching TV in the hotel. We were enjoying being lazy and just doing nothing. Grandmamma, Grandaddy, mom, dad, Justin, and I went to lunch at a restaurant very close to our hotel and then got ready for the wedding. I was the photographer, along with my dad, and got to spend some time with Sam before the wedding started. They had it in Grandma Jan's backyard on the "Steps to Nowhere" which are brick steps that lead down to the marsh. Grandma Jan had arranged some hydrangeas for where they stood as well as around the garden and house. She also arranged Sam's bouquet which was Iris and Stargazer lilies. The ceremony was lovely with family and some friends. Other than the minor bump in the road (Sam not having Chris's ring), it went very smoothly. Afterwards, we enjoyed a toast, watched them sign the official documents, and then had the "reception" at a seafood restaurant downtown called Coast. That was delicious (don't worry people, I haven't changed my taste all of sudden... I had chicken caesar salad...hehe).
For dessert, we went back to Chris and Sam's house for the wedding cake he had made. Funfetti on the bottom layer, strawberry on the top two, covered in icing and nerds...with a little stuffed pig and dog as the wedding toppers. It was very unique and interesting, but totally them. It tasted pretty good too (with a little extra zing/crunch of the nerds). We all woke up Thursday morning, had our hotel continental breakfast, and then everyone hit the road (in 3 different directions). I enjoyed the trip and it was especially good to see Grandma Jan, Uncle Kent, and Aunt Trish (I didn't get to Charleston this past New Year's). I also enjoyed seeing Chris and Sam in their new place and on their special day. Their wedding just ignited the "I'm ready to get married" fire that Justin and I are feeling. Soon. It will be our turn in about one year... Pictures from the wedding are here.
So I have finally begun progress on my research. This week is packed each day with lab work. I am currently working on some things that have to get done before I can do my actual experiment in the Fall. These techniques are very tedious and take a while, but they are not hard and it is somewhat peaceful being "in the hood" and just doing my thing. I am foreseeing a lot of busy weeks ahead of me. Now that my days are consumed with lab work, I will have to spend nights and some weekends working on reading papers and writing my literature review. That is difficult because when I come home, I want to relax. I want to leave the lab where it is and not take it home with me. I guess I will just have to find some motivation and push through.
Today, Dr. Edwards and I were talking and the whole topic of career came up. (Warning: this may be slightly unorganized with a hint of venting...) So when people meet me, they generally ask what I'm studying. When they hear animal science, their first response is "Oh you want to be a vet." I say no and then they always follow with, "Oh. So what do you want to do with a master's in animal science?" You know, that's a really good question! And as of right now, I have no earthly idea. When I came into UT in the Fall, I was going into this with the intention of continuing with a PhD so I could become a professor at a university. A few months in, I realized that research is not for me. My brain does not naturally think that way. I don't question how things work or what would happen if you changed X, Y, or Z. I like to learn a subject or master a technique. I like this for two reasons 1) I love to learn and 2) I love to teach people what I have learned. It is such a rewarding feeling to explain something to someone and watch the light bulb go off. I love to see people progress and take what they have learned and apply it. So I love to teach. But you can't teach college students without a PhD and I don't think I'm interested in teaching high schoolers or younger. I don't really know.
Another problem (which is not really a problem) that I have is that I enjoy so many things. There is not ONE occupation or field that interests me above and beyond all others. Because I love learning so much, it really doesn't matter what it is I'm learning, I generally enjoy it. This makes it very difficult to narrow down a career. I enjoy lab work and could see myself working in a lab. I also enjoy working with animals, but have no strong drive to do vet school (though I know I would absolutely love vet school). I would probably love physical therapy (another 4 years of school) or being a tutor. I would love being a photographer (with some serious training). So many things interest me, but none are pulling me towards them. I feel no drive or calling to do any single thing yet.
When I talk about this to people, I generally get two different answers. The first being that I don't need to know. I don't have to have things figured out or worry about what I will do with my life. I should just live day by day, learn what I can, and be content with where I am. In many ways, that is how I feel. I would call it blind faith. I have no idea where I'm going, but I trust that I will get there some way or another. I guess I have worn out all of my frustration on this subject, so it doesn't really bother me much anymore. On the other hand, I get the answer that I need to be thinking strongly about what I want to do so that I can get the experience I need to be the most marketable person for that particular job. This also makes sense because it is important to have experience that will aid in getting a job. My problem is that I don't know what job I want, so I don't know how to equip myself with the tools I need. I feel like I should just run in to the shed and grab as many as I can in the hopes that I'll pick up the right one.
It is not a fun position to be in. I don't like not knowing, but at the same time I am ok just trusting. It is hard when Justin and I are thinking/planning about where we might be going once he graduates. It is hard because while he will have a clearly defined job, I will not. Maybe by then I will have a better idea of what I want to do, but I will have to find somewhere to do it in whatever city we end up in.
What I am clear of is this: I want to finish this degree. I want to go back to Raleigh, get married, and start my life with Justin. I want to find a job that I enjoy, that has a purpose, and that I can be proud of. I want to work with people and help people. I also want to eventually start a family. Other than those things, I just don't know. I am so confused about this that I can't decide whether or not to be upset about it. I really do feel like I am living by blind faith. I just hope some day my eyes will be opened and I will figure out what I am supposed to do. Until then, I will keep going and see what happens.
Sorry if that was a lot, but I needed to get it off my chest.
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